At The Home where I work we use a rotating schedule so that everyone has alternating days on/off call and also alternating working weekends. This weekend marks my first weekend of working and today I had the opportunity to work two services at our main chapel.
Service A was to have their visitation from 9-11 with funeral service at 11 in chapel 1; and service B was to have their visitation from 12-2 with funeral service at 2 in chapel 2.
Just to clarify, a visitation is usually a two to four hour long 'meet and greet' with the family of the deceased. The family usually arrives about half an hour before the scheduled visitation time for their private viewing. The service or mass is the actual funeral service. This is where most people either stay or go before it begins. There is usually someone of 'The Cloth' who leads everyone in the funeral service. In the Catholic tradition these services are called Mass because they also have Communion.
Now that we have that all squared away...
Service A went very well. The immediate family arrived at 8:30 for a private viewing and to put up some last minute photos, and when the doors opened at 9 for the 'public' a good number of people came out to pay their respects. This family, I shall refer to them as 'Family A' is what I would call very WASP(y). For the most part everyone was very nicely dressed in appropriate funeral attire, and it was a very beautiful service accompanied by an organist and a lovely vocalist. My only complaint on Family A, was the fact that some of the children were obnoxiously loud down in the cafe area before and after the service.
After the service for Family A, we waited for everyone to clear out before we began to cleaned up the chapel. Now Family B was due to arrive at 11:30 for their private viewing, but did they show up on time? No. This would be a tell tale sign of how this family, and their friends, would operate for the rest of the day. I shit you not, had we not had Mrs. B's remains on site, she would have been late to her own God damned funeral!
Family B, although very nice, was, how do I put this delicately... they most likely lived in a park where there would be an abundance of trailers used for housing purposes, or perhaps, would be on the casting list for the TV show COPS.
I have never seen so many people show up to a funeral late and in blue jeans and sneakers. Of course there was the occasional ill-fitting suit that I'm sure was a hand-me-down from someone's dead uncle, but over all the dress, and behavior of Family B was not very appropriate for a funeral.
I have composed a list of 'Funeral Etiquette Standards' just by my observations from today:
- Unless you are a toddler or a very small child, please do not show up to a funeral in blue jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt. When in doubt always dress business professional (casual you can get by with) and in black. Pretend you are going on the job interview of your life!
- Tank-tops are not appropriate to wear, but if you absolutely must wear a tank top please also wear a cardigan. - Again be conservative with your attire.
- If you are a chain smoker, or your family is compiled of them; do try your best to limit your 'ins and outs' of the funeral home. You tend to track in the smoke, and if there are greeters at the door, you're just going to piss them off with your constant comings and goings.
- If beverages and snacks are provided, please keep them in designated areas, most funeral homes do not appreciate anything other than water being brought into the chapels where the visitation and service will be taking place.
- If you have small children please bring (quiet) things to occupy them, and have them use their indoor voice. Some perfect examples would be a gaming system with volume off, coloring books, or a nice book to read.
- Please don't give your children coffee, this only exacerbates the issue of trying to keep them in a sedated like state during the service.
- Keep in mind that most funeral homes have more than one chapel, so this means that there could be more than just your service going on. That being said please be respectful of the other patrons who are using the funeral home.
- In a funeral home doors are closed for a reason, so unless it is the restroom, do not, under any circumstances start opening doors and go exploring the funeral home. There are places where you must have either a funeral directing license or apprentice permit in order to enter. Plus, if you do enter one of these 'Permit Only' areas, chances are extremely high that you will run into some dead bodies.
- If someone is crying, do not, under any circumstances, even if you're related to them, tell that person to "suck it up" or to "stop crying". It is a funeral! Meaning that someone that was loved dearly to this person is no longer living! If you want to cry, CRY! It is totally natural and healthy to cry. What's not healthy? Telling others how they should feel or stifling your emotions. (I see this happen a lot you young men)
- On that note, if you are uncontrollably sobbing, chances are that you're either doing it because A) You want attention or B) because you have some guilt over the deceased. Believe me, it's easy to figure out what category you fall into.
Amendment to the previous comment: By 'uncontrollably sobbing' I mean throwing yourself across the casket because you want to give everybody an Oscar worthy performance of your grief. Sobbing uncontrollably boarding hysteria typically happens when you first learn of the death of your loved one, typically days before the funeral even takes place. When people sob uncontrollably at a funeral most of the time it is because they are wracked with guilt over the passing of the deceased or are truly looking for attention. For those of you who have a good hard cry at a funeral because you genuinely are upset over the dead, we understand and we know you are not faking it. If you are a hard crier we will assist you to a private area for some personal space should you need it, otherwise I would recommend maybe taking a few moments to yourself to gain some composure.
- Please arrive on time to the service if you plan on attending it. Most visitations are two hours (or longer), which provides you ample time to arrive if you're coming from work.
- Over all just please remember that although we want our funeral homes to have a homey feeling to them, they are not, in fact YOUR home! They are a business. A business that deals with the dead to help the living begin their grieving process.
If you thought that I was being a little insensitive during my little rant here let me just inform you that we have the utmost respect and reverence for the dead that we take care of. It's the living that usually ends up being the freak show and our source entertainment. So just bare in mind that the next time you attend a funeral (or really any social gathering that involves a lot of people) if you think that you might stick out like a sore thumb, chances are pretty good that you do.
So good luck and God speed, and until next time...
Adios.
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