Journey of the Dead

Recently a few people have asked me what happens to their body when they die so I thought that I would take a moment and briefly describe a few situations that could happen. Consider this a "Pick Your Journey" kind of blog. Or even better, like an R.L. Stine "Give Yourself Goosebumps" book.

So to quote the infamous Mr. Stine, "Reader beware...you're in for a scare!"

Let us start off with the most likely situation in our society: You die in a hospital. Now in a hospital depending on how you die two things can happen. If it's of natural causes you die and nothing else happens, as far as extra medical procedures. (And when I say, "die of natural causes" what I am implying is that your death was due to illness or an internal malfunction, nothing that was influenced externally). The doctor talks to your family about what happened and then your family will discuss what funeral home they should use and then a nurse will typically call on behalf of your family to that said funeral home to let us know of your passing.

Then a couple hours later after your paperwork is done, security or someone who works in the morgue is called and they bring a transportation cart up to the room in which you passed away in. A toe tag  with your information on it is placed on your big toe and then you are placed in a white body bag on top of the cart. A cart topper is then placed over your remains with a sheet covering everything. This is done to protect the delicate sensibilities of the living, because as we know children death is a very scary monster out to get us all.

Once down in the morgue your body is then placed into the cooler. Now back in the olden days they use to look like this. 

The typical creepy coolers that you would probably see in a haunted house or horror movie. Most hospitals do not use these any more. The sign on these coolers say, "Morgue coolers no longer in use, please use walk-in coolers. Thank You" If I were to guess the main reason why most hospitals do not use actual morgue coolers anymore, it would be due to the fact that it makes the life of the morgue staff a lot easier since they do not have to lift bodies off or onto the cooler slabs. 

This is what a typical walk-in cooler looks like. If you have worked in a grocery store and had to stock refrigerated products, it looks exactly like that. The transportation cart with your remains is pushed inside and then they close the door. 

Once your body has made it to the morgue, the security officer or morgue staff remember will then call the funeral home again to let them know that we can now come and transfer your remains into our care. 

Now let's pretend that you died at the hospital but it wasn't from natural causes, or was anything that warranted an autopsy. In that case your body would be taken to where the doctor would perform the autopsy, or if an medicolegal investigation was needed, it would be transported to the medical examiners office where they can run toxicology and a whole slew of other tests to really identified what caused your demise. Once your body was released for pick up, the funeral home of your family's choosing would go to the medical examiner's office and transport your remains into our care. 

If you were lucky enough to live to a ripe old age and were placed into a nursing home and passed away there; the nursing staff would contact the funeral home your family chose and we would arrive and transport your remains into our care. This process is a bit quicker because nursing homes don't have morgues so we need to get there quickly to remove you. This is also where a lot of the time the Funeral Director will talk with your family, if they are still around when we arrive, to get an idea of what will be done with your remains as far as will you be embalmed, or a direct cremation? 

On the flip side of the coin is hospice care. Again it is taken care of promptly with our arrival and a brief conversation with your family to get some general information. 

If you were to die in your home, chances are that who ever finds you will first call the police. The police and EMT's will arrive and someone will assess the situation. If it looks like you died of natural causes and you will not need to be taken to the medical examiner, the police will tell your family and then they will contact the funeral home of their choosing. We will then arrive to your house and transport your body into our care. (I have yet to do a home visit, but I've heard stories, both good and bad). Generally we try to clean up the place where you died at home the best that we can before we leave. 

If you died at home and it warranted an investigation, then your body would be taken to the medical examiner's office and an autopsy would be performed. This process can take a few days for all of the lab work to be done but once your remains were ready; the funeral home would be notified and then we would go and transfer your body into our care. 

There are some situations in that, even if you died of natural causes, your body must still be transported to the medical examiner's office. Remember that paperwork I was talking about? If that little 'Yes' box is check by the "Do these remains need to be further examined by the local coroner/medical  examiner" then we will transport you to the local M.E. to get examined. Case in point the first removal I worked on, the elderly gentleman who died in hospice had to be taken to the M.E. because he had broken his hip a few days prior to his death and the fracture had to be documented. This helps protect the funeral home and its employees by documenting anything 'unusual' before it comes into our care, so that it doesn't look like we are using your loved ones as punching bags in the preparation room. 

In all situations, a funeral director will call your family to arrange a consultation. Your loved ones would arrive and begin arranging your funeral. It is as this point that I would like to take a moment and step onto my soap box. 

As a young funeral directing apprentice I implore you to sit down with your family and discuss what you would like to be done in the event you should die; regardless of how old you are. I'm looking at you 23 year olds! Do you have strong feelings about cremation or burial? Do you want a religious ceremony or a celebration of life? Do you want an open or closed casket? Are you just dying to be buried in a KISS Kasket?

Or would you rather your body was donated to a medical school, research lab, or local mortuary science program? (Notice how I didn't say donate your body to 'science', because you can't donate your body to science just like you can not donate your body to English or math). Or are you trying to better the earth and in turn would prefer an ecologically friendly 'green' burial with a visitation and service directly in your home? Whatever you decide please let your loved ones know and if you feel up for it, maybe even consider doing a prearrangement.

In the end however, your funeral, although it is the final chapter on your life story is really more for your family than it is for you. Your funeral is your family and friend's way of saying their final good-byes to your earthly remains. 

So although the thought of our inevitable demise may be terrifying, it is something that we must all encounter and endure. 

Until next time. 

Night and Day

At The Home where I work we use a rotating schedule so that everyone has alternating days on/off call and also alternating working weekends. This weekend marks my first weekend of working and today I had the opportunity to work two services at our main chapel.

Service A was to have their visitation from 9-11 with funeral service at 11 in chapel 1; and service B was to have their visitation from 12-2 with funeral service at 2 in chapel 2.

Just to clarify, a visitation is usually a two to four hour long 'meet and greet' with the family of the deceased. The family usually arrives about half an hour before the scheduled visitation time for their private viewing. The service or mass is the actual funeral service. This is where most people either stay or go before it begins. There is usually someone of 'The Cloth' who leads everyone in the funeral service. In the Catholic tradition these services are called Mass because they also have Communion.

Now that we have that all squared away...

Service A went very well. The immediate family arrived at 8:30 for a private viewing and to put up some last minute photos, and when the doors opened at 9 for the 'public' a good number of people came out to pay their respects. This family, I shall refer to them as 'Family A' is what I would call very WASP(y). For the most part everyone was very nicely dressed in appropriate funeral attire, and it was a very beautiful service accompanied by an organist and a lovely vocalist. My only complaint on Family A, was the fact that some of the children were obnoxiously loud down in the cafe area before and after the service.

After the service for Family A, we waited for everyone to clear out before we began to cleaned up the chapel. Now Family B was due to arrive at 11:30 for their private viewing, but did they show up on time? No. This would be a tell tale sign of how this family, and their friends, would operate for the rest of the day. I shit you not, had we not had Mrs. B's remains on site, she would have been late to her own God damned funeral!

Family B, although very nice, was, how do I put this delicately... they most likely lived in a park where there would be an abundance of trailers used for housing purposes, or perhaps, would be on the casting list for the TV show COPS.

I have never seen so many people show up to a funeral late and in blue jeans and sneakers. Of course there was the occasional ill-fitting suit that I'm sure was a hand-me-down from someone's dead uncle, but over all the dress, and behavior of Family B was not very appropriate for a funeral.

I have composed a list of 'Funeral Etiquette Standards' just by my observations from today:

- Unless you are a toddler or a very small child, please do not show up to a funeral in blue jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt. When in doubt always dress business professional (casual you can get by with) and in black. Pretend you are going on the job interview of your life!
- Tank-tops are not appropriate to wear, but if you absolutely must wear a tank top please also wear a cardigan. - Again be conservative with your attire.
- If you are a chain smoker, or your family is compiled of them; do try your best to limit your 'ins and outs' of the funeral home. You tend to track in the smoke, and if there are greeters at the door, you're just going to piss them off with your constant comings and goings.
- If beverages and snacks are provided, please keep them in designated areas, most funeral homes do not appreciate anything other than water being brought into the chapels where the visitation and service will be taking place.
- If you have small children please bring (quiet) things to occupy them, and have them use their indoor voice. Some perfect examples would be a gaming system with volume off, coloring books, or a nice book to read.
- Please don't give your children coffee, this only exacerbates the issue of trying to keep them in a sedated like state during the service.
- Keep in mind that most funeral homes have more than one chapel, so this means that there could be more than just your service going on. That being said please be respectful of the other patrons who are using the funeral home.
- In a funeral home doors are closed for a reason, so unless it is the restroom, do not, under any circumstances start opening doors and go exploring the funeral home. There are places where you must have either a funeral directing license or apprentice permit in order to enter. Plus, if you do enter one of these 'Permit Only' areas, chances are extremely high that you will run into some dead bodies.
- If someone is crying, do not, under any circumstances, even if you're related to them, tell that person to "suck it up" or to "stop crying". It is a funeral! Meaning that someone that was loved dearly to this person is no longer living! If you want to cry, CRY! It is totally natural and healthy to cry. What's not healthy? Telling others how they should feel or stifling your emotions. (I see this happen a lot you young men)
- On that note, if you are uncontrollably sobbing, chances are that you're either doing it because A) You want attention or B) because you have some guilt over the deceased. Believe me, it's easy to figure out what category you fall into.
Amendment to the previous comment: By 'uncontrollably sobbing' I mean throwing yourself across the casket because you want to give everybody an Oscar worthy performance of your grief. Sobbing uncontrollably boarding hysteria typically happens when you first learn of the death of your loved one, typically days before the funeral even takes place. When people sob uncontrollably at a funeral most of the time it is because they are wracked with guilt over the passing of the deceased or are truly looking for attention. For those of you who have a good hard cry at a funeral because you genuinely are upset over the dead, we understand and we know you are not faking it. If you are a hard crier we will assist you to a private area for some personal space should you need it, otherwise I would recommend maybe taking a few moments to yourself to gain some composure.
- Please arrive on time to the service if you plan on attending it. Most visitations are two hours (or longer), which provides you ample time to arrive if you're coming from work.
- Over all just please remember that although we want our funeral homes to have a homey feeling to them, they are not, in fact YOUR home! They are a business. A business that deals with the dead to help the living begin their grieving process.

If you thought that I was being a little insensitive during my little rant here let me just inform you that we have the utmost respect and reverence for the dead that we take care of. It's the living that usually ends up being the freak show and our source entertainment. So just bare in mind that the next time you attend a funeral (or really any social gathering that involves a lot of people) if you think that you might stick out like a sore thumb, chances are pretty good that you do.

So good luck and God speed, and until next time...

Adios.

The Basics of Embalming

Tuesdays I only have chem lab for class so I get to The Home right around lunch time when I am done with school.

Today Caleb (the other apprentice who actually helped me get this job,...guess I should have mentioned him earlier) and I were to go on a call to do a pick up at St. Frank's Hospital. Now Caleb has worked at The Home for about a year now, and so he is very well versed in procedures and such; and it just so happens that we both have Economics together. Caleb thought that it would be a fantastic idea to let me drive the van to the hospital....yeah, let's let the new girl, who is totally unfamiliar with Milwaukee drive a very expensive company van to go pick up a dead person.

Thankfully he gives decent driving instructions, however the way this hospital is laid out I and to back up about thirty feet with the van to place it in front of the loading dock. Normally a hospital's morgue is in the lowest level, ironically in this hospital it was on level 1, so that meant that we had to take the elevator with the gurney.

Everything went okay,we notified security that we were there to pick up a Mrs. Ludwick, and waited patiently for the guard to traverse his way down. Once all of the paper work was checked, signed, and handed over we were able to ID the body and get Mrs. Ludwick onto our gurney.St. Frank's is notorious for not completing all of the paperwork -- case in point, there is a little box that needs to be checked Yes or No in regards to taking the body to the medical examiner's office; until a box is checked, we legally can not take the body anywhere. And it just so happened that neither box was  checked. Funeral directors are not allowed to check said box, a nurse, or in this case the security guard has to check it, which just adds more wait time to the pick up and is just really annoying.

But everything was done and we loaded Mrs. Ludwick into the van, and I drove off quietly into the sunset....not really it was still the afternoon, but it paints a romantic picture in your head.  So once we got back to The Home I had to try and back up the van into the garage next to the very expensive, and very large hearse. While trying to maneuver this, I accidentally ran over some mulch which in turn had Caleb yelling at me and Mitch (one of the funeral directors) coming out and freaking out on me as well. Here I am, freaked out enough trying not to scratch the multi-thousand dollar vehicles, and both of these guys are freaking out that I ran over some mulch. I guess Jim and Jack take their landscaping very seriously. Thankfully everything was alright and I was able to fix the roadkill mulch.

Oh, did I mention that Mrs. Ludwich in all her amazing deadness was to be embalmed? Oh yeah, that's right folks, little Ms. Jordy Death got to embalm her first body. So from this point on in your reading, if you do not wish to read about the art of embalming stop here, because this freak train is just now leaving the station....




You decided to stay? Lucky you! So proud of your ability to face death head on!

Now some funeral directors have their own preference as to what they want to wear when they embalm someone, but rule #1 is to always have a separate pair of shoes for embalming. Mitch was going to do the embalming on Mrs. Ludwick and I was to be assisting him. For Mitch he removes his suite jacket and changes his dress shoes, I on the other hand changed into a pair of scrubs that I keep in my car for just such occasions.

Me post embalming.

So after we changed we put on our Personal Protective Equitment; as I had mentioned in an earlier post it consists of a blue gown, white plastic lunch-lady-esqe apron, blue latex free gloves, and a face mask or shield. Mrs. Ludwich was already on the embalming table, undressed and ready to go. I sprayed her down with a disinfectant spray while Mitch got out the necessary tools. I then got the first world experience of shaving a woman's face. When women (and men obviously) age, facial hair tends to grow, and it also tends to be the last thing on their mind when they are on their death bed. So we shave everyone's face to help the cosmetic process later down the death infused road.

I  took the disinfectant spray and sprayed into the eyes, nose and mouth, and then took a piece of cotton and swabed everything out.  Then I placed in the eye caps, but her damn lids just would not stay closed. Mitch said not to worry, that once we begun the actual embalming process her lids would stay shut.

After that was done Mitch handed me the tool that would help seal her mouth. I paused a moment in a state of shock because Mitch was actually trusting me to do this, but after he explained the procedure I placed the end bit against the top of her gums and firmly implanted the metal wire, then did the same on her lower gums. After the wires are in place you carefully twist them together to close the jaw, now since Mrs. Ludwick did not have any teeth or dentures I had to place in a mouth piece that looks like an overly large eye cap. This helps form the mouth and makes it so Mrs. Ludwick doesn't look like a monkey. Once the plastic is inserted I then took small bits of cotton and inserted them around  the inside of her mouth to create a fullness in her face.

With the feature setting done we were ready to begin the actual process of embalming. Unfortunately our dear Mrs. Ludwick was not in the best shape, although I do not know what she officially died from, I can venture a guess that it might have had something to do with her liver because she was extremely jaundice and her stomach was distended and bloated from all the bacteria and gas buildup.

In order to alleviate the pressure in her stomach while we embalm, Mitch had to literally stab a hole into her stomach and place a set of  large tweezers inside the hole to keep it open. What spewed forth was perhaps some of the most vile bile I have ever seen or smelled. This is the part where I almost started gagging because the smell was so horrid, it was like a paper mill, inside a full diaper of an infant that was fed curry trapped inside a fart. It. Was. Horrible. Not to mention the brown and yellow juices that were running from the hole were just as gag worthy. Mitch and I had to take special care as to not get splattered with the bile because of how acidic it was.

With her balloon of a stomach slowly deflating, Mitch cut into the top chest area where the carotid artery was and then he reached in and found the artery. It looks and feels like a rubber band in case you were wondering. He then had me take a small pair of medical shears and snip into the artery and place the small tube that we use to run the fluid. First we ran a fluid that would basically flush out her system, once that was done we then ran the embalming fluid, since Mrs. Ludwick was so yellow, we had to add some extra concentrated red dye to help counteract her coloring. Basically embalming fluid replaces the blood, and since you have to drain the body of its blood the embalming fluid needs to be a dark shade of red to bring back the 'life' like quality into the body.

All of a sudden my eyes started watering very badly. Apparently this is the normal reaction to embalming fluid. I was really expecting to be gagging from the smells, not to be crying over the intense chemical burn that was happening to my eyeballs.

We repeated the slice, stab and flush on the other side of her chest and also on her right arm because her hand was not getting any color back into it. When you have the embalming fluids running through the body you can see the veins buldge back up with the flow of the liquid. I had to then wash and massage Mrs. Ludwick's body to get the fluid to flow through everything.

Here is where the process gets a bit violent and gross. There is a device called the trocar that we use to suck out all of the grossness inside the body cavity. It is a very long metal tube that is hooked up to some tubing and has a very sharp metal point at the end. We stab this end into the stomach cavity and then begin to literally fence our way into the organs inside the body, sucking out all the blood, shit, food, gas, bacteria, etc. This brown sludge then in turns goes down the drain. Consider this liposuction for the dead. It is during this process that you are the most likely to fuck shit up and have literal shit go flying everywhere because of clogs that happen within the tubing. Thankfully since Mitch was with me that didn't happen...but apparently it had happened to Caleb....We also must be careful when doing this procedure that we do not stab straight through to the other side. When this happens holes and leakage can happen...not good. Unfortunately since Mrs. Ludwick's liver was so hard, we made two little holes, but these are easily plugged up with a trocar plug. A white plastic plug that is twisted inside of the hole.

Now if you were to open up the body cavity after trocaring someone, you'd see that lungs, heart, stomach, liver, intestine...everything, has been through a bloody fucking massacre and it's just...well disgusting. Thankfully we do not do this, instead I shall leave you imagining what it may look like.

Once the tubing from the trocar starts to run clear we remove the device and insert another trocar that is hooked up to a tube that is attached to a bottle embalming fluid. There are about six or more different kinds of embalming fluid we use, in case you wanted to know. We hold this bottle above our heads while moving the trocar around spreading the fluid inside of the body cavity, once this is done all we need to do is sew up the places that we cut into.

I then proceeded to wash the body and the hair and put a massaging face cream on her face to help soften her features when she gets cosmetized.

So now Mrs. Ludwick is officially embalmed and deemed "safe" by whatever powers that be. She no longer requires refrigeration (unless of course we had to keep her body for an extended period of time for whatever reason).

We transferred her remains from the embalming table, to a portable table that will be kept in the preparation room. After cleaning and sanitizing the embalming room I was now officially able to change back into my black and white, and that was pretty much it for the day.

I got to embalm my first body today...what did you do?

Until next time.

The Call

Today marks my third day at The Home. Waking up I was actually excited to go into work! Granted I had to wake up extra early just to run some paperwork over there before going to school, and then head back over after school...but still, I am enjoying going into work!

Not that I didn't enjoy working retail, but considering I have a job in my field, it greatly improves my enjoyment of the act of working. Our normal office hours are 8-4:30 pm so by the time I got there at around 2:45 pm there wasn't a whole lot to do. I got to meet the other new apprentice, Steve and fill him in on a few things. Apparently I am an over achiever because I have both of our Home locations, the local cemeteries, and everything else programmed into my phone...hey, just because I don't want to look like an idiot in front of our patrons when they ask me basic questions doesn't mean I'm an overachiever....(does it?)

Around 3:00 pm we got a call that a gentleman at St. Joe's had passed away and we were to be the funeral home to go pick him up. Today is my day for being on call, so I will be doing the pick up. Unfortunately, St. Joe's takes forever to do their paperwork and to wheel the body down to their morgue, so my partner Kevin and I decided to go home. He had to go pick up his kids from school, and I had to eat and do homework.

It is now almost 7:00 pm and I am still waiting for the call to go pick up our mystery dead man. My stomach is in butterflies, every little sound has me jumping, awaiting for The Call.

I have completed my homework, and will now watch the premier of Gotham on Fox which I know will prompt The Call, because like everything in life, once you sit down to enjoy something, someone always has to interrupt you.

Fingers crossed, here's hoping.

Until next time.

The Reoccurring Nightmare

Last night was my first time being on call...for anything. If you're unfamiliar with the terminology, being 'on call' means that you physically do not need to be at work, but if someone calls the home for a body pick up you are the first to arrive to do the transfer.

Once I got home from working my first funeral I made sure that my phone was on the loudest setting as possible and charging by my head. So in the event of getting "The Call" I would promptly shit my pants and have a heart attack before leaping out of bed to get dressed. When a call does come in we need to dress in our funeral attire which is our basic everyday work clothes: black pants, shoes, and business jacket and a white button down shirt.

Because I had worked almost a 12 hour day on only 6 hours of sleep, I was dying to get to sleep but was too anxious because I was on call. Eventually I did fall asleep but I kept having this reoccurring nightmare that my phone magically shut itself off and I missed a call to do a pick up and inadvertently caused the zombie apocalypse because I had missed the call.

Thankfully I was never called in. Out of the 2.5 million Americans that die every year, apparently no one in the Milwaukee area died last night requiring our services...go figure.

So going into work today, I knew that I was not going to be working any services because we did not have any planned, that meant that I would be working 'normal' hours and could go home around 4;30 pm.

If I learn anything as an apprentice it will be some basic life skills like ironing Old Glory, washing cars, and pulling up weeds. I did all three of those things today. Not very exciting, but all very needed.

About 45 minutes before I was scheduled to leave David comes up to me and says that I will be going on a house call with him.

Wait.

Morticians that make house calls? ...to the living? ....not to pick up the dead?

Yeah. I was a bit concerned too.

But apparently the The Home likes to make personal house calls after the funeral to give the family any flowers, personal affects, and to go over our memorial book that we create for their dearly departed.

The family that David and I were visiting was Mr. G's family. Although David did not work the funeral (or meet the family prior to this moment) he was the one who had done the cosmetics on Mr. G. So when the family praised the work David just politely smiled and said thank you, not mentioning that he had done it. It was comforting to see that these ladies where so appreciative of the work that we had done even. They even said that they would recommend our home to any of their friends or family who would someday need our services.

After visiting the family, I realized that I am working for probably one of the best funeral homes in Milwaukee. I have a deep appreciation for the traditions that Jim and Jack uphold and that we strive to go that extra mile for the families that we work with. Yes I want to see the funeral industry change, and yes I would be more than thrilled if people decided to finally take ownership of their own dead instead of selling them to us (that is a blog topic for another time). But because we are not at the point yet in our society, I am glad that I work for a company that does honest work so that people can begin their grieving process.

So that was my second day on the job in a nutshell. Nothing terribly exciting, but all very important.

Until next time.

The Day The Apprentice Came

Today I was inducted into the funeral tradition of starting my apprenticeship. Now my official first day supposedly is still this coming Monday, but since I have today and tomorrow off, I was able to start early. [Also there is apparently another apprentice starting on Monday and they didn't want two newbies starting on the same day]

Dept. of Health & Social Services 

WARNING: This blog entry describes some of the procedures that I had to perform and also witness; one of them involves an infant -- I shall warn you once more before I describe it; until then carry on reading... if you dare! Also I apologize because this entry will be very long.

Last night I had to close at my retail job so I was unable to get home until around 11 pm, on top of that I didn't really settle down and fall asleep until somewhere after midnight. I am the kind of person who thoroughly enjoys her sleep, so getting less than 8 hours is less than ideal...6:30 am came around too fast. 

I had to be at The Home by 8:30 this morning but also wanted to take a shower to really start my day off fresh. I packed a lunch and dinner along with some snacks and set off to The Home. Once I got there I met up with my licensed funeral director partner Dani*; in order for an apprentice to do any work they need to have their permit and always be supervised by a licensed funeral director. I will pretty much always be working on Dani's weekend, which is great because I really enjoy working with her. Along with being partnered with Dani, I was also teamed up with Kevin, who will be my on-call buddy. Basically whenever Kevin and I are on call, if we receive a call to go do a pick up, we will do it together. 

So after arriving at The Home I got a tour of the facilities yet again, and got to formally introduce myself to the rest of the staff. Since we had two funerals this night two of the directors were in the preparation room putting finishing touches on the body. David, of the directors, was filling out the face of a Mr. G who was to have his visitation and funeral mass later that night; something I would later find out was a bit unusual. 

The following paragraph describes a cosmetic procedure:

I asked David what he was doing as he took out a fairly large syringe and filled it with a pink liquid, and he said he was going to plump out the cheeks on Mr. G to round out his face; once the liquid was inserted under the skin it would then solidify much like a gel. Other than that, Mr. G was in his navy blue suite and his make up was done. 

While David was working on Mr. G, Michelle, another licensed funeral director had the task of clothing Mrs. Smith. Now Mrs. Smith was a direct cremation, meaning there was going to be no embalming, no visitation, really no funeral service; however we still had to clothe Mrs. Smith. 

9 out of 10 times when families give us clothing....it doesn't fit, and for Mrs. Smith that was no exception. We had to wiggle her underwear on, cut her sports bra in half along with her shirt and slice up her pants. Granted the clothing was not like a well tailored suit that Mr. G was wearing. The shirt was a basic black one and the jeans were denim. Even though Mrs. Smith was a direct cremation we still had to clothe her, something about giving her some dignity because the dead would become embarrassed if they knew their own dead nakedness...(I'm only partially joking here).

While I was witnessing all of this going on in the preparation room, Jim, one of the owners of The Home, came in and told us that there was a body pick up needed at one of the hospice home care centers I eagerly volunteered for the opportunity. Dani and I were sent, and as we gathered our supplies (pad-folio full of important documents and a gurney with a body bag, blanket, gloves and ID tags) Dani went over the procedure of what we would be doing at the clinic.

When picking up a body you always take the van and for a lot of funeral homes these days they are a slightly modified mini-van; ours happens to be a beautiful midnight blue Dodge. We placed the gurney in the back and proceeded onto the center. On the way there Dani went over basic protocol when dealing with a pick up: Always arrive near the back door; make sure you have your paper work and get it signed by the right people; when talking to the families be sure to ask if they have a plot and if so where (and if it's been paid off!) ask if they want a cremation or burial, ask if there is a church that they want you to contact and if the person was a veteran be sure to get the proper discharge papers in order to have the proper graveside ceremony. 

When we arrived, we pulled alongside the back door and tried to as quietly as possibly, retrieve the gurney from the back and wheel it to the correct room. I must confess, I was not nervous, I was giddy with excitement! I had to actually keep myself from giggling because I was just so excited to be actively participating in a body removal!

Once we arrived at the room we met the deceased's son and his wife. Dani proceeded to go over the information that she went over with me in the car and then we gave them a moment alone with their dearly departed before we hoisted Mr. H onto the gurney and gently wrapped him up like a big death burrito. 

Apparently at this particular hospice home, when somebody passes they place a quilt over the body and they ring a bell. So as we traversed the hallways trying to get back to our little death-mobile, at each nurses station, someone rang a little bell. It was...a bit creepy to be honest, but tradition is tradition...even if it's a weird one. 

Typically when removing a body we take them back to the main chapel; however, since Mr. H had suffered a fractured hip a few days ago, we now had to take him to the medical examiners office to be looked over and examined. 

The Milwaukee County Medical Examiners office is in the pit that is Downtown Milwaukee by the county courthouse. We arrived and unloaded Mr. H and waited to be let in through the locked glass doors. This is where it happened. This is where I truly smelled death for the first time. For those of you who have smelled death you know what I mean here. For those of you who have not, be grateful. And no, going to a funeral does not count as 'smelling death'. Those bodies are treated with chemicals and flower arrangements strategically placed. The medical examiners office is a place where people who are murdered, commit suicide, die of unnatural causes; the list goes on, go and basically rot until someone (a funeral director) goes to pick them up. Yes the bodies are placed in refrigeration, and yes they are kept under lock and key, but still bodies going in that have not been found for a few days, permeate the rotting flesh smell that smells indescribable yet sweet. A lot like rotting garbage that has been out in the sun for too long. 

So I got to meet Andrew the Medical Examiner, and see him go to town examining Mr. H's body. That included unwrapping our death burrito and Andrew taking measurements of his height and a few fluid samples. 

The following paragraph describes the method of taking a fluid sample:

Andrew grabbed a syringe and proceeded to open up one of Mr. H's eyes and insert the needle into his eye and draw out a clear fluid that would later be used for various testing methods; methods that at this point, I'm not very sure of. I asked if this eye fluid tells the same as blood, and he said yes, but since Mr. H, was so emancipated, a blood sample was very difficult to obtain. 

After Andrew was done we re-wrapped Mr. H and loaded him back into the van. Driving off, Dani mentioned that we must always be aware of what we say, especially in places like the Medical Examiners' office, word travels fast, and the M.E. is a hub for morticians picking up bodies -- it's also where there is apparently a lot of juicy gossip. 

When we arrived back at The Home, I unloaded Mr. H and brought him to the preparation room. Even though he was to be a direct cremated we still needed to do some, what they call 'alternative care'. So I donned the blue suite which is a blue medical jacket, blue latex free gloves, a plastic apron, and a face mask. Once ready we were able to begin the 'alternative care'. What this boils down to is shaving the face if there is stubble, washing and decontaminating the body, and washing the hair....yes I got to give a dead man a scalp massage as I washed his thinning hair. 

Once we finished, Michelle needed some assistance determining what to do with her other case.

The following paragraph describes a still-born infant:

Michelle's other case was a still born baby. Now I have never really seen a dead baby before, let alone a still born, but seeing this child was pretty disturbing. Mainly because of how it looked. I would say that it was pretty well developed, but very small. Because it was still born, the body was basically decomposing before our very eyes. The tiny body was very red, almost like it had a bad sun burn and the skin was peeling. The head was also caved in slightly due to, what I can only assume is because it was not truly fully developed. The consult that Michelle needed was should she wait to clothe the child because of how badly it was decomp-ing or do it now and hope for the best, she was worried that the decomp would stain the garment that the infant would be wearing. I believe Dani said that she could wait, I honestly do not remember, I was too busy staring at the incredibly tiny coffin on the table, waiting for its' incredibly tiny human. 

My mom said that it would be hard dealing with my first child...but honestly it wasn't. This was mainly due to the fact that it was a still born, the poor soul wasn't assigned a social security number and never really lived so to me, it was just another body, just very very tiny. Perhaps if the child had been a toddler it would have invoked more of a response from me, but at this point in time I was unfazed by it. 

After we were done prepping the bodies that needed to be worked on we took a quick lunch break, and once lunch was over I had to help Michelle load in a Mrs. Jones into the van to take her over to the South Chapel because her visit was to be held later that night in a city 30 minutes away. This is the part where I got the drive the company van. And it. was. AWESOME! Once we were done unloading everything at the South Chapel Michelle and I went back to The Home to load up the van again for the funeral that we would be setting up for. 

I had to load up the flower stands, table clothes, two tables, and various other props that we would need at the visitation and mass. We arrived at the church, which is were Jim's brother who is also a funeral director and part owner of The Home, Jack attends. 

Did I mention that this Catholic church is also a school? And that school was just being released as the hearse pulled up...yeah so much for keeping death discrete. So we unload Mr. G and set everything up, and of course right before we are about to open the casket the family shows up. Now when we transport the body for viewing we make sure we lay facial tissue over any exposed skin, this helps protect the inner casket lining from getting make-up on it. Michelle asked me to stand right next to her as we opened up the casket, and while Jack went to go distract the family by talking to them. 

Once everything was arranged and ready for viewing we ushered the immediate family in. I gotta say, even though Mr. G had been 88 when he died, it was still heart breaking to hear the sobs of his wife; who he had been married to for over 65 years, and daughter who had to be in her late 50's. After seeing Mr. G's memorial table I saw that he was a WWII veteran who received the Purple Heart along with other various medals of honor. It made me wish that I could have heard some of his war stories, or to just thank him for serving our country. 

Immediately following the visitation was the mass, and as I had mentioned earlier this was a bit unusual, especially since the graveside committal wasn't until tomorrow. Once we started getting the casket ready for moving the mother and daughter just started sobbing all over again. I wanted so badly to just reach out and hug them both, let them know that their dearly departed was truly in a better place with God and that he was a great man. Of course I did not do either of these things, instead I said a silent prayer for their family, asking God to give them strength and courage as they embark on this new journey without the patriarch of their family. 

One thing I learned was that a Catholic funeral mass takes up to a hour to complete. During this hour the funeral directors cleaned up the visitation area and reset the furneture. Jack later came up to me and asked how my first day was going, I said that it was long but I was learning a lot. He laughed and quietly said that, "You are getting the worst part of your career out of the way during the youngest part of your life." And he is right. Being an apprentice will be one of the most difficult things that I will probably ever do in my career. There will be days that I will go home totally defeated and burned out, but the sliver of hope that I cling to is knowing that it will not always be this way. 

After the mass, Dani and I packed up and sent everything over to the South Chapel, once we were done there we were blissfully on our way back to The Home to drop off the van and then on our way home.

I worked 11 hours today, plus any time that I might spend responding to a pick up tonight since I am on call. 

Here is a quick recap of what I learned today:

1) Never cross the legs when you're picking up a body, it's bad ju-ju

2) Keep your hands out of your pockets, it makes you look bored

3) Keep a black pen on you

4) Always read the white board in the prep room (it tells us how is on deck for the day)

5) When in doubt keep your mouth shut and smile

6) Morticians feed on gossip, so be careful

7) When blogging about this stuff, never divulge any personal information, which is why I have changed the names of everyone and will never specifically name what funeral home or retail store I work at. 

Over all today was exciting and amazing and a mixture of a lot of other things. I can't wait to go back in again tomorrow, and thankfully since there are no visitations tomorrow I will be done for sure by 4:30 pm. 

Now if only I could get some sleep....

Until next time. 

Certification

It should come as no surprise that in order to become a mortician in today's world you need to become certified and hold state permits in the state that you're working in. And chances are, that in order to obtain said permits, you need to go to an accredited mortuary science college. It wasn't always this way though, many many many years ago if you wanted to become a mortician all you had to do was go to your local funeral home and see if they could use an apprentice and after a few years of learning your craft, BOOM, you became a bonafide mortician.

I really wish that was the way it still was because when you boil down what you learn in school verses what you learn as an apprentice, going to school almost seems like a waste of time and money. I say that because as an apprentice I start work right away learning how to embalm and do a multitude of things. Once I can start taking my technical studies chances are very high that I will experience little to no lab time learning my craft, and that is mostly due to the lack of cadavers which is ironic when you think about it.

Milwaukee obviously has a lot of homeless people, when said homeless people unfortunately die most of the time their bodies go unclaimed by loved ones. So what is the county morgue suppose to do with all these unclaimed dead? Well you would think that they would donate them to the local medical schools and the mortuary science program at MATC, but there is a lot of red tape involved in this. At this point in time I honestly do not know what Milwaukee county does with their unclaimed dead but I would think that is is logical to assume that they follow a process very similar to the one that was documented in the A Certain Kind Of Death documentary. This documentary follows the bodies of three unclaimed dead people in L.A. county California. I highly recommend watching this 70 minute documentary if you are at all interested in the death process of the unclaimed dead, just be forewarned that it does get a bit graphic in some areas. You can watch it on YouTube here.

In the state of Wisconsin if you want to become an apprenticed mortician you need to have 30 college credits (aka Sophomore standing). These 30 credits can be in anything...case in point my two bachelor degrees in theater and arts management go above and beyond my required 30 credits.

Once I applied and accepted a position at a local funeral home I had to apply for my state apprentice permit. The form was very simple and I had to include my official transcripts from UWSP along with a $10 application permit fee.  

My Apprentice Permit

You will notice that come 12/31/14 I will need to renew my license as an apprentice and I have only 4 years until I have to appear before the state examining board to take my state exam. By then I will have graduated from my program and will have learned a lot about becoming a mortician. 

While I was obtaining my apprentice permit I was also busy becoming an ordained minister. That's right folks, you heard it here first. Jordy Death is now an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church Monastery. 

Ministry Credentials

Apparently becoming ordained online freaks my mother out. I didn't have to attend any classes or churches, I just Googled how to become an ordained minister and BOOM, there you go. Of course I had to pay for my credentials but that was really all that there was to it. I decided to become ordained so that I could preside over funerals if needed. Most of the time if someone dies who was religious or requested a religious service we, as funeral directors, contact the pastor/priest/minister that the family wants. There are the few times where the family will ask if we, the funeral director, could just preside over the ceremony and say a few words, this is where I would have the ability to step in. 

Baker's Funeral Handbook

This funeral handbook is very useful for when the time calls upon me to do the full funeral service. It has nine denominational funeral and memorial services, as well as special situation funeral and memorial services and graveside committal services. 

Since I am ordained I can also marry, baptize, absolved people of their sins, the whole Holy nine yards so to speak. Will I be doing that? Chances are probably no, but I will always be more than happy to share the Word of God to those who want and need to hear it, and listen to the troubles and worries of others. 

So that is my story for today. I officially leave my retail job this Saturday and will officially begin at the funeral home next Monday. This Thursday however, I will be able to go in and help work a funeral, mainly just greeting people, but we all gotta start some where right? 

My hope is to document my first few days at the home, so be sure to look out for my next blog!

Until next time!

Funeral Fashions

On today's post I will be touching on the history of funeral fashion, mostly in the United States as well as a quick look at some other customs around the world. Let us begin our journey!

During the Victorian Era (1837-1901) death traditions were taken very seriously, almost to the point of being considered 'cultish'. There were strict rules in place in regards to mourning, mainly directed towards women. 

In England, a widow was not permitted to leave her house unless she was dressed fully in black and wore a mourning veil, and her social life was restricted to only going to church. 

Victorian Era Woman in full mourning.

She was expected to live her life in the mourning state for over two years. In the United States, women were a bit more relaxed in their rules, but were still expected to dress in full mourning. 

Full mourning lasted one year and a day and the wardrobe consisted of dull black clothing with no embellishments, the only exception being the black crepe mourning veil.

Victorian Era Woman in second mourning

Second mourning still consisted of dull black cloth, but the period was only around nine months. The black crepe veil was lifted and worn back on the head and mourning jewelry was now allowed. 

Notice how there is now lace and pattern work incorporated into the second mourning gown? 

Then there was half-mourning, a period which could last three to six months, color was gradually introduced back into the wardrobe and jewelry could now be freely worn.

Half-mourning dress

See how the half-mourning dress now incorporates the color white (other colors such as purple were also used) and lace work is done on the dress. These are classic markings of a half-mourning dress. 

On the flip side of the coin, Victorian era men (widowers) had it much easier when it came to mourning. They could wear any dark suite that they owned and could go about their lives like going to work without being scandalized. Even though the standard mourning time for men was two years they could end their single status really at any time. 

Parents who lost children, or children who lost parents were both in the same. They wore and observed the same mourning rituals and rules of that of a widow. The exception being that females under 17 never wore the black crepe veils, and young children were not kept in mourning for more than a year. 

Now if we were to look half way around the world say at India, a country that is predominantly Hindu, we will see that the customs towards funeral fashion is directly opposite. Whereas black is seen as mourning in the United States because it is void of all color and therefore life; many Indians and those of the Hindu faith find that wearing all white is the most appropriate because white symbolizes light and life. 

Funeral procession in India

So how did we get to where we are today? Well a lot of that has to do with the fashion industry. As times changed and became more modern so did our views on fashion and what was acceptable to wear at a funeral. Today you can wear just about anything to a funeral, but that doesn't mean you should!

When in doubt always go for the black dress or the black suite; unless of course you are attending a funeral in a different religion or with different customs that you are not very aware of, in which case it is always best to ask by either contacting the funeral home or the priest/minister presiding over the funeral.

Clothing should be kept modest and tasteful jewelry is acceptable. Colored accents or patterns are now also acceptable, but please do not show up to a funeral in a prom dress or a leopard print bikini...unless Huge Hefner died in which case, go for it! (although you'd probably be best just sticking to black...suite not the bikini!)

Just your friendly neighborhood mortician!

So here I am in my work suite, which is also very funeral appropriate (duh). I am wearing black pants, black shoes and socks, a white button up collard shirt and a black suite jacket. 

You would honestly not believe the nightmare it has been trying to find a white button up shirt that fits. I had to order some online from Amazon because I just could not find anything for less than $20. You see kids, when you work with dead people for a living, the cheaper your shirts are the better you feel when gross things happen to them. 

It was actually easier for me to find a decently priced suite jacket, thank you JCP and Economics 195 class! [What I mean is, don't go out and buy the first jacket you see, instead look around and find the best deal...you're probably saying 'well duh, that's just common sense'...and you're right, it's also an economics lesson that I learned in Econ]

Well after rambling on about funeral fashions I hope that you leave reading this blog post a more enlightened about funeral fashions. 

So tell me, have you ever experienced or witnessed a funeral fashion faux pas?  If so, leave a comment down below!

Sources: 

http://www.morbidoutlook.com/fashion/historical/2001_03_victorianmourn.html

http://www.angelpig.net/victorian/mourning.html

Photos: Google

When work feels overwhelming....

I have this lovely e-card on a mug which I had purchased long before the idea of becoming a mortician even floated into my pretty little head. I believe that this was a prelude to the work that I would eventually be doing.

This past week I was informed that I had gotten the apprenticeship at a local Milwaukee Funeral Home. After going back for a quick orientation and tour of the facilities it became abundantly clear that I would have to leave my retail job of the past 6 years.

I felt marginally bad as I donned on the red and khaki and proceeded to the HR office to obtain a two weeks notice form. I had only been at this new store for just a few weeks, and already I was leaving...no quitting! Oh how I had dreamed of this day! I was just unprepared for how quickly it came upon me. They begged me to stay, to consider alternatives like taking an educational leave of absence or reducing my hours, but I explained to them that if I was ever on call and had to respond to a body pick up, I'd have to leave work ...something I doubt they'd let me do. Besides they all knew that I was coming down here for school and that finding and obtaining an apprenticeship was high on my list.

So now that I have my official last day date (September 20th!) I have found it increasingly more difficult to stay pleasant at work. For example, tonight I was originally only scheduled until 6:30 pm, assuming that there was a closing backroom person. Apparently I was wrong, I was to be the "closer". but for a store that doesn't close until 10:00 pm, nothing can truly be accomplished by 6:30. So out of the kindness of my heart I volunteered to stay until 8. Trying to get as much work done as possible, I should not have been surprised by the request of my manager to see if I could possibly stay later. I politely declined saying that I had school in the morning, (which is true). Then as 8 o'clock approached I informed the closing manager that I was leaving, and he told me that I was scheduled until 8:30. -insert face palm here-  I tried to as calmly as I could muster, explain to him that I was originally scheduled until 6:30 and had agreed to stay only until 8 (not to mention hypoglycemia was setting in due to my lack of a proper meal). Thankfully I was released at 8 and beat feet to rid myself of that establishment.

Unfortunately I have to work the next three days in a row (for a total of seven). September 20th can not come fast enough! Although I know that there will be days and nights where I will have to work long hours doing grunt work around the funeral home, at least it will be in my job field and I will be getting paid surprisingly very well. It will be a labor of love, as the saying goes.

So tell me, when work feels overwhelming for you, what are some ways that you cope?

Until we meet again.

So It Begins

Hello gentle reader,

My name is Jourdyn aka Jordy Death, and I am your local mortician's apprentice. The purpose of this blog is to document my experience being an apprentice in the funeral industry as well as going back to school for my Associates in funeral service.

A little bit of background information about your apprentice:
I hail from the city of Stevens Point where I attended the local university and obtained two Bachelor of Art degrees in theater and arts management. After graduating I did an internship at the Milwaukee Repertory Theater;the experience was interesting but after the internship I moved back home to Point and went back to my retail job.

After about a year of being back in the "wonderful world of retail" (keep in mind I have worked at this store since I was 17, it was only a year after my internship) with no avail in the job market as far as positions in my field of study I was beginning to get depressed and angry with where I was in my life.

Enter Caitlin Doughty and her Ask A Mortician videos on Youtube:

(This was the first video of hers that I watched and I instantly got hooked on her wit and charm talking about death)

After watching all of her videos and visiting her site Order of the Good Death I absolutely fell in love with her work and her mission: creating a death positive movement.

I decided to do a lot of research on becoming a mortician, and by a lot, I mean A LOT! I looked up mortuary science schools, interviewed local funeral directors, and asked my friends and family about what they would think of me becoming a funeral director. The general consensus was that they could all see me doing it...and doing it very well.

In the research that I did, I found that the Milwaukee Area Technical College - West Allis campus was the only school in the great state of Wisconsin that even offers a funeral service program! (It was also the least expensive option when compared to Worsham, Minnesota, or Cincinnati). So back to Milwaukee I go!

I have enrolled in classes this fall and will hope to take my technical courses next August. I even have an apprenticeship! Everything considered I can't believe how everything is working out, I am feeling very blessed for all the opportunities and support that I have been receiving.

You are now caught up on the prologue of my tale.

What stories will I tell? Well that in part is up to you gentle reader, ask your questions about the death industry and I shall do my best to answer them! Or if you have questions about going back to school or stories you would like to share about your experiences please share.

Until the next tale, I bid you all farewell.