The last few weeks have been exhausting....and now I feel bad because it feels like the last few blogs that I have done have just been me complaining about work and how exhausted I am all the time. Which in all honesty makes sense because being an apprentice is really freaking exhausting.
This week I have been really moody and emotional, like I am on the break of having a horrible crying jag at the worst possible moment. I can just see it now, I will be in the back ironing a flag and Dani will come in, critiquing me, and then I will just start crying....yeah I hate those days. Even when I was an acting major and did exorcises that would help us emote, or cry on command I hated it. I am honestly not sure why. I mean there is nothing wrong with crying, it doesn't show a sign of weakness, in fact it is a healthy way to release stress and emotions. I just hate crying in front of anyone, perhaps this is my Aquarius side talking, trying to keep my facade of being a strong and independent person intact. ..whatever, I need to fucking cathart and get over this jumble of emotion that I am feeling.
So some components that set this wheel into motion were from last week. The week was fairly slow, not a whole lot of removals or services, generally a fairly decent week, plus the weather was absolutely gorgeous with highs in the upper 50's and low 60's...then comes Sunday. You know I wish that Death would have taken a spring break to just enjoy the weather, but no...He went into over time.
That Sunday morning, Kevin and I responded to a 6:00 am first call and from there it just did not stop. Kevin was stuck doing back to back embalmings while I went out to our other location to get it ready for an incoming arrangement from a removal that we did on Saturday night in Racine County...and just a little note about that one; cat piss is hard to get out of fabric and the smell is almost worse than a corpse who has shitted themselves.
We had 7 death calls that day, and did 6 removals. We held off on one of the removals because the family had a concern about being able to afford the funeral costs, but on Monday we were able to bring their loved one into our care after we were able to see if they qualified for state and county aid.
Six removals in one day is a new record for Kevin and I. Two of those removals were from the M.E. both suicides. And for some reason those cases are hitting me the hardest. Maybe it's because my mom is a therapist, and it just breaks my heart that these two people just felt so trapped in their lives that they felt that the only way out was to take themselves out. I can' even begin to imagine what kind of hell these families are going through right now. I'm trying to think back to the first suicide case that I worked on...I know that I had an emotional reaction to it, but it just doesn't compare to what I am feeling now towards these two people. Maybe it is the fact that we have two of them back to back, and now we need to put these broken bodies and hearts back together so that the families can say their goodbyes.
This is what makes my job so emotionally exhausting, having to deal with these kinds of cases. Also it feels like Kevin and I have done the majority of removals lately, and that Steve and Caleb haven't gotten Jack shit, which is really frustrating.
So while I am going through all this emotional bullshit that I would rather much ignore, I am also experiencing a higher level of stress because Anatomy is a huge struggle for me and I am getting really frustrated with it. For a kid who excelled in most subjects throughout school and during my undergrad, taking a class where I have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to get a fucking C, B at best on my exams makes me want to scream. This is a class where I need to get a B- as a final grade in order to pass it for my mortuary science program...so say a prayer for me everyone that I can pass the first time around.
While I am on the struggle bus, I am also in need of some housing for when my lease with UWM is up in May, so I have been looking into apartments. But fuck if I know what to look for, or know what I can afford...I do have a general idea, but it is hard to find something affordable close to where I work and something that isn't in the ghetto. Oh and I also will be needing a new car within a few months because Betty White (my White Neon) is getting up there and I don't think that she can last through another winter.
So yeah, I am just going through a ringer of emotions topped with a layer of stress and decked out with some cranky, "I don't give a FUCK about you or what you do"...and I really just want to scream and bitch slap everyone. ...when did I become so up tight and cranky all the time? Sometimes I feel like a stick in the mud. But I honestly think that a majority of these feelings stems from my current housing situation, even though it has improved greatly since first semester (and my current roommates are on spring break) I find it really draining being around teenagers at the moment. You wouldn't think that a 5 year age gap would be all that different but the maturity level and having to deal with all their shit, when I just went through it myself, is just exhausting.
I can not wait to be home with my mom and my friends, this weekend is very much needed.
Say a prayer for me that I can survive the rest of this week with my pride intact and without killing anyone...because that would just mean yet another body to take care of...
Until next time.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Friends, Family, and the Pursuit of Some R&R
This past weekend I was blessed with the ability to go home to Stevens Point and see my mom and some of my friends. It was a very much needed reprieve from the usual grind that I have been dealing with over the last few weeks.
Friday night when I got into town, my derby wife called me up asking if I wanted to go downtown for a drink -- of course I wanted a drink! I needed some social interaction with living people around my age. And boy am I glad that I went out. I had a BLAST! Got to see some old friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. Also had a lot of people come up to me saying that they read my blogs and really like them. So if you were one of those people who came up to me on Friday, thank you. Seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart. It was not only awesome getting a chance to see your friendly face, but it really made my night knowing that you take the time to read about my crazy and sometimes disturbing life.
Michelle and I ended up staying out until bar close, which is something that we typically do not do, but we were just having such a fun time with some new and old friends. We learned that neither one of us is particularly good at pool, but given the chance we can play a pretty decent game of Foosball.
Then on Saturday night Michelle and I went bowling, which was hysterical in the sense that neither one of us got a score above 100. Although Michelle was only one point away from reaching triple digits. It was also brought to my attention that I throw the bowling balls totally weird. When I tried throwing them the 'right' way they kept curving to the left and going into the gutter...regardless I suck a bowling, no matter how I throw the ball.
In regards to work, I know in my last blog I talked about a case where a construction worker was killed on site and that I was very nervous about how I would react to seeing the body. The day that we were to bring him into our care, I was told to go out to our other location and listen to the phones since we had no closing secretary out there. I figured that this was God's way of protecting me from seeing something that I could avoid until further along in my career...I wish I had been so lucky.
When someone is dismembered and their body is brought to the medical examiner, the ME typically will not re-attach the severed limbs. When the body is brought into the care of a funeral home, if there is a viewing (provided the body is view-able) the funeral director will take the time to reattach the limbs. Even though this person was to be directly cremated with no viewing, Mitch and David who worked on the body, thought it was important to make this individual whole again, and they did a very good job I must say. He was defiantly not in 'open casket' shape, but at least he was put back together and given a dignified cremation.
Later that week we had another call where someone died at work -- suffering some severe head trauma after falling from a great height. I had over heard Jim taking this call and apparently the Medical Examiner had told the family that the body had suffered significant damage and may not be view-able. After the call Jim explained to me that this can be some what of a pet peeve for funeral directors. Yes we are thankful that the ME tells the family the condition of the body, however they are not the ones trained to put the body back together for a viewing. So by them telling the family that a viewing may not be possible, they are giving them really no hope and the family comes in thinking that cremation with a memorial service may be one of their only options.
In this case I went to the ME with David to bring this person into our care and asked if we would open the body bag fully at the ME to view the damage. "Oh absolutely," said David. And I began to ready myself for the absolute worse case scenario. I remember that the ME's office was particularly ripe with the smell of death and decay that day, a smell that you really never get use to.
Once the examiner pulled out our body David opened up the bag. It had been a very long time since I had worked on an autopsy and almost forgot that in an autopsy the head is covered with a plastic bag due to the cranial cap being removed. So David pulled up the plastic bag so he could view the face. I gathered my strength to look and through all the blood I could see that this individuals nose had been crushed in and there was a pretty significant laceration from their accident going across their face below the cheek. Not horrible, but then again not very pretty.
I asked David on the way back, that if he was the director on this case and the family wanted to do an open casket what would he say? He told me that he would be open and honest with the family in regards to the damage done to the face; and that if they wanted an open casket, there would be a significant amount of cosmetics and reconstruction of the nose. He was confident in the skills of our staff to provide the family with the viewing and services that they wanted. When we got back David must have talked to Jim who was meeting with the family because this case became an open casket viewing meaning that the body would of course be embalmed.
I didn't get the opportunity to work on the body because it was not my night on, but the results of the embalming were fairly typical of that of an autopsy. I was surprised however that they did not do a full reconstruction of the nose that night. I asked why, and David said that they had wanted to body to set and basically dry out in the facial abrasions so that the reconstruction would adhere to the face properly. This reminded me of the homicide case that I had worked on a few months back. The lacerations in the persons face were left open to dry so that we could super glue them closed and apply facial wax.
I clearly have a lot to learn in regards to the fine art of reconstruction and cosmetics. But this is something that I look forward to greatly with hopes that one day I will be regarded as one of the best in the business.
Did I mention that this case was the third work related death that we brought in, in the last two weeks? Yeah scary stuff, so be sure to be extra cautious at work everybody, especially those of you who work around heavy machinery.
Well that was my weekend and the last week of work for me. I hope that everyone is adjusting to Daylight Savings and enjoying the warmer weather that we had today. Spring is right around the corner, huzzah! Here is hoping that these next two weeks of work will be low impact on my psyche and I will maintain a positive growth in my apprenticeship.
Thank you again to all my friends and family who read my blog and support what I do. You guys are all amazing and I treasure the time that I get to spend with you.
Until next time.
Friday night when I got into town, my derby wife called me up asking if I wanted to go downtown for a drink -- of course I wanted a drink! I needed some social interaction with living people around my age. And boy am I glad that I went out. I had a BLAST! Got to see some old friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. Also had a lot of people come up to me saying that they read my blogs and really like them. So if you were one of those people who came up to me on Friday, thank you. Seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart. It was not only awesome getting a chance to see your friendly face, but it really made my night knowing that you take the time to read about my crazy and sometimes disturbing life.
Michelle and I ended up staying out until bar close, which is something that we typically do not do, but we were just having such a fun time with some new and old friends. We learned that neither one of us is particularly good at pool, but given the chance we can play a pretty decent game of Foosball.
Then on Saturday night Michelle and I went bowling, which was hysterical in the sense that neither one of us got a score above 100. Although Michelle was only one point away from reaching triple digits. It was also brought to my attention that I throw the bowling balls totally weird. When I tried throwing them the 'right' way they kept curving to the left and going into the gutter...regardless I suck a bowling, no matter how I throw the ball.
In regards to work, I know in my last blog I talked about a case where a construction worker was killed on site and that I was very nervous about how I would react to seeing the body. The day that we were to bring him into our care, I was told to go out to our other location and listen to the phones since we had no closing secretary out there. I figured that this was God's way of protecting me from seeing something that I could avoid until further along in my career...I wish I had been so lucky.
When someone is dismembered and their body is brought to the medical examiner, the ME typically will not re-attach the severed limbs. When the body is brought into the care of a funeral home, if there is a viewing (provided the body is view-able) the funeral director will take the time to reattach the limbs. Even though this person was to be directly cremated with no viewing, Mitch and David who worked on the body, thought it was important to make this individual whole again, and they did a very good job I must say. He was defiantly not in 'open casket' shape, but at least he was put back together and given a dignified cremation.
Later that week we had another call where someone died at work -- suffering some severe head trauma after falling from a great height. I had over heard Jim taking this call and apparently the Medical Examiner had told the family that the body had suffered significant damage and may not be view-able. After the call Jim explained to me that this can be some what of a pet peeve for funeral directors. Yes we are thankful that the ME tells the family the condition of the body, however they are not the ones trained to put the body back together for a viewing. So by them telling the family that a viewing may not be possible, they are giving them really no hope and the family comes in thinking that cremation with a memorial service may be one of their only options.
In this case I went to the ME with David to bring this person into our care and asked if we would open the body bag fully at the ME to view the damage. "Oh absolutely," said David. And I began to ready myself for the absolute worse case scenario. I remember that the ME's office was particularly ripe with the smell of death and decay that day, a smell that you really never get use to.
Once the examiner pulled out our body David opened up the bag. It had been a very long time since I had worked on an autopsy and almost forgot that in an autopsy the head is covered with a plastic bag due to the cranial cap being removed. So David pulled up the plastic bag so he could view the face. I gathered my strength to look and through all the blood I could see that this individuals nose had been crushed in and there was a pretty significant laceration from their accident going across their face below the cheek. Not horrible, but then again not very pretty.
I asked David on the way back, that if he was the director on this case and the family wanted to do an open casket what would he say? He told me that he would be open and honest with the family in regards to the damage done to the face; and that if they wanted an open casket, there would be a significant amount of cosmetics and reconstruction of the nose. He was confident in the skills of our staff to provide the family with the viewing and services that they wanted. When we got back David must have talked to Jim who was meeting with the family because this case became an open casket viewing meaning that the body would of course be embalmed.
I didn't get the opportunity to work on the body because it was not my night on, but the results of the embalming were fairly typical of that of an autopsy. I was surprised however that they did not do a full reconstruction of the nose that night. I asked why, and David said that they had wanted to body to set and basically dry out in the facial abrasions so that the reconstruction would adhere to the face properly. This reminded me of the homicide case that I had worked on a few months back. The lacerations in the persons face were left open to dry so that we could super glue them closed and apply facial wax.
I clearly have a lot to learn in regards to the fine art of reconstruction and cosmetics. But this is something that I look forward to greatly with hopes that one day I will be regarded as one of the best in the business.
Did I mention that this case was the third work related death that we brought in, in the last two weeks? Yeah scary stuff, so be sure to be extra cautious at work everybody, especially those of you who work around heavy machinery.
Well that was my weekend and the last week of work for me. I hope that everyone is adjusting to Daylight Savings and enjoying the warmer weather that we had today. Spring is right around the corner, huzzah! Here is hoping that these next two weeks of work will be low impact on my psyche and I will maintain a positive growth in my apprenticeship.
Thank you again to all my friends and family who read my blog and support what I do. You guys are all amazing and I treasure the time that I get to spend with you.
Until next time.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Earning Badges for the Death Scouts
As an apprentice in the funeral industry you encounter a lot of 'firsts' that you will always remember. Like doing your first removal of a dead body, working on your first autopsy, successfully closing the mouth for the first time while setting features. There are also a lot of horrible firsts that you encounter, like working on your first suicide, your first homicide, your first baby, first child, first burn victim, and first dismembered body. In a way it is a lot like getting badges as if you were still in Girl Scouts...except now you're a Death Scout and the more horrible things you can encounter and rise above and learn from, the more badges you get.
This past week I encountered a few 'firsts'. Last Thursday was my first all nighter doing 4 removals and staying up for 24 hours (only to be repeated again this past Wednesday, except I ended up sleeping at The Home for a few hours due to the snow storm). It had been a rough last couple of weeks to say the least; working extremely long hours and feeling over whelmed about everything. School. Life. Work. Dealing with car problems and trying to find an apartment to live in.
On Thursday I finally had the chance of getting into the embalming room and working on a body. January 27th was my last embalming that I had worked on (over a month). I was working with Michelle who was helping to coach me through making my first incision to raise the right carotid artery. Because of her coaching I was able to make the incision and raise the carotid all by myself. This is one of those firsts as an apprentice that not only sticks with you, but also boosts your spirit.
When I came into work today, Michelle was in even though it was her weekend off, because the family she was working with very closely was having their service today. Three weeks ago she had worked with this family when the son of the deceased passed. Seeing families again so soon is always hard, yes we have a building relationship with them, but it is just hard having to see them so soon.
Michelle told me of a person that we will be transferring into our care tomorrow from the Medical Examiner. She gave me the graphic details of the situation so that I would know and be prepared in dealing with sensitive nature of the situation.
Out of respect I will not go into detail of what happened, only that is is extremely tragic, and the cause of death was traumatizing -- before you start thinking of suicides and homicides, I will say that it was an industrial accident...think Six Feet Under's episode entitled "The Foot".
What makes this situation even more sensitive and hard is that Michelle's sister is good friends with the decease's wife, and Jim and Jake know the family fairly well. So this is not only a tragic loss, but also a very personal loss to a lot of people at work.
Thankfully cases like this are few and far between, but when they do happen they really make you think. For me, I am thinking of why God chose to call this man Home so early, and in such a tragic manner. What lesson can we learn from his death? In these horrible deaths it is so easy to get angry at God, so incredibly easy. I know that there are a lot of people out there who do not believe in God, or in Christianity or organized religion, and I can get that. But what do those people do in these kinds of situations? If I didn't have my faith in a higher power I feel like I would personally crumble under the weight of my job. I am suppose to act as a pillar of strength for the families that I service and have to fully rely on God every day to give me the strength to get through these difficult situations.
So I will continue to pray to God everyday to give me strength to help others and for Him to look over my friends and family, because Death has a funny way of sneaking up on you.
Until next time.
This past week I encountered a few 'firsts'. Last Thursday was my first all nighter doing 4 removals and staying up for 24 hours (only to be repeated again this past Wednesday, except I ended up sleeping at The Home for a few hours due to the snow storm). It had been a rough last couple of weeks to say the least; working extremely long hours and feeling over whelmed about everything. School. Life. Work. Dealing with car problems and trying to find an apartment to live in.
On Thursday I finally had the chance of getting into the embalming room and working on a body. January 27th was my last embalming that I had worked on (over a month). I was working with Michelle who was helping to coach me through making my first incision to raise the right carotid artery. Because of her coaching I was able to make the incision and raise the carotid all by myself. This is one of those firsts as an apprentice that not only sticks with you, but also boosts your spirit.
When I came into work today, Michelle was in even though it was her weekend off, because the family she was working with very closely was having their service today. Three weeks ago she had worked with this family when the son of the deceased passed. Seeing families again so soon is always hard, yes we have a building relationship with them, but it is just hard having to see them so soon.
Michelle told me of a person that we will be transferring into our care tomorrow from the Medical Examiner. She gave me the graphic details of the situation so that I would know and be prepared in dealing with sensitive nature of the situation.
Out of respect I will not go into detail of what happened, only that is is extremely tragic, and the cause of death was traumatizing -- before you start thinking of suicides and homicides, I will say that it was an industrial accident...think Six Feet Under's episode entitled "The Foot".
What makes this situation even more sensitive and hard is that Michelle's sister is good friends with the decease's wife, and Jim and Jake know the family fairly well. So this is not only a tragic loss, but also a very personal loss to a lot of people at work.
Thankfully cases like this are few and far between, but when they do happen they really make you think. For me, I am thinking of why God chose to call this man Home so early, and in such a tragic manner. What lesson can we learn from his death? In these horrible deaths it is so easy to get angry at God, so incredibly easy. I know that there are a lot of people out there who do not believe in God, or in Christianity or organized religion, and I can get that. But what do those people do in these kinds of situations? If I didn't have my faith in a higher power I feel like I would personally crumble under the weight of my job. I am suppose to act as a pillar of strength for the families that I service and have to fully rely on God every day to give me the strength to get through these difficult situations.
So I will continue to pray to God everyday to give me strength to help others and for Him to look over my friends and family, because Death has a funny way of sneaking up on you.
Until next time.
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