The last few weeks have been exhausting....and now I feel bad because it feels like the last few blogs that I have done have just been me complaining about work and how exhausted I am all the time. Which in all honesty makes sense because being an apprentice is really freaking exhausting.
This week I have been really moody and emotional, like I am on the break of having a horrible crying jag at the worst possible moment. I can just see it now, I will be in the back ironing a flag and Dani will come in, critiquing me, and then I will just start crying....yeah I hate those days. Even when I was an acting major and did exorcises that would help us emote, or cry on command I hated it. I am honestly not sure why. I mean there is nothing wrong with crying, it doesn't show a sign of weakness, in fact it is a healthy way to release stress and emotions. I just hate crying in front of anyone, perhaps this is my Aquarius side talking, trying to keep my facade of being a strong and independent person intact. ..whatever, I need to fucking cathart and get over this jumble of emotion that I am feeling.
So some components that set this wheel into motion were from last week. The week was fairly slow, not a whole lot of removals or services, generally a fairly decent week, plus the weather was absolutely gorgeous with highs in the upper 50's and low 60's...then comes Sunday. You know I wish that Death would have taken a spring break to just enjoy the weather, but no...He went into over time.
That Sunday morning, Kevin and I responded to a 6:00 am first call and from there it just did not stop. Kevin was stuck doing back to back embalmings while I went out to our other location to get it ready for an incoming arrangement from a removal that we did on Saturday night in Racine County...and just a little note about that one; cat piss is hard to get out of fabric and the smell is almost worse than a corpse who has shitted themselves.
We had 7 death calls that day, and did 6 removals. We held off on one of the removals because the family had a concern about being able to afford the funeral costs, but on Monday we were able to bring their loved one into our care after we were able to see if they qualified for state and county aid.
Six removals in one day is a new record for Kevin and I. Two of those removals were from the M.E. both suicides. And for some reason those cases are hitting me the hardest. Maybe it's because my mom is a therapist, and it just breaks my heart that these two people just felt so trapped in their lives that they felt that the only way out was to take themselves out. I can' even begin to imagine what kind of hell these families are going through right now. I'm trying to think back to the first suicide case that I worked on...I know that I had an emotional reaction to it, but it just doesn't compare to what I am feeling now towards these two people. Maybe it is the fact that we have two of them back to back, and now we need to put these broken bodies and hearts back together so that the families can say their goodbyes.
This is what makes my job so emotionally exhausting, having to deal with these kinds of cases. Also it feels like Kevin and I have done the majority of removals lately, and that Steve and Caleb haven't gotten Jack shit, which is really frustrating.
So while I am going through all this emotional bullshit that I would rather much ignore, I am also experiencing a higher level of stress because Anatomy is a huge struggle for me and I am getting really frustrated with it. For a kid who excelled in most subjects throughout school and during my undergrad, taking a class where I have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to get a fucking C, B at best on my exams makes me want to scream. This is a class where I need to get a B- as a final grade in order to pass it for my mortuary science program...so say a prayer for me everyone that I can pass the first time around.
While I am on the struggle bus, I am also in need of some housing for when my lease with UWM is up in May, so I have been looking into apartments. But fuck if I know what to look for, or know what I can afford...I do have a general idea, but it is hard to find something affordable close to where I work and something that isn't in the ghetto. Oh and I also will be needing a new car within a few months because Betty White (my White Neon) is getting up there and I don't think that she can last through another winter.
So yeah, I am just going through a ringer of emotions topped with a layer of stress and decked out with some cranky, "I don't give a FUCK about you or what you do"...and I really just want to scream and bitch slap everyone. ...when did I become so up tight and cranky all the time? Sometimes I feel like a stick in the mud. But I honestly think that a majority of these feelings stems from my current housing situation, even though it has improved greatly since first semester (and my current roommates are on spring break) I find it really draining being around teenagers at the moment. You wouldn't think that a 5 year age gap would be all that different but the maturity level and having to deal with all their shit, when I just went through it myself, is just exhausting.
I can not wait to be home with my mom and my friends, this weekend is very much needed.
Say a prayer for me that I can survive the rest of this week with my pride intact and without killing anyone...because that would just mean yet another body to take care of...
Until next time.
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